My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
