are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
