I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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