I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
