i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
