The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
