What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
