Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
