that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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