I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
