I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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