K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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