the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
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