You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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