When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
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Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
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we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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