giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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