I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
