you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
