there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
