I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
