I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
