he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
