I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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