I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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