Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
