so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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