Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
