Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
she pinky promised me she was 18
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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