Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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