Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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