can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
