i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
