I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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