i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
