Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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