You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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