the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
