3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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