Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
