WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize