She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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