My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
