He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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