if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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