why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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