Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
