Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Dignity is for republicans.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
