is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
