gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
