I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
time to smoke my breakfast
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Can I color on your dick again?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
