Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
