I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
