My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
