It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize