let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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